A NEW SEASON: a World of Opposites

I'm back ... Frankly, I wasn't going to blog anymore. I had secured an multi figure endorsement deal with one of the giants (although getting smaller rapidly) in the Automobile field that fell through. We had a handshake agreement - they were supplying me with a car and weekly cash infusions and I was to blog weekly and not get caught with a bong. Who knew Congress would put pressure on the company, questioning whether it was appropriate to fly to the Congressional Hearings in private jets and enter into a lucrative endorsement contract with me.

However, the cry from loyal readers - from every state of this great nation - with special heartfelt requests from the die-hards in Arkansas, Florida, Texas and California - and the fact that the gym doesn't open until 7 am on the week-end, inspired me to continue on my quest to bare my soul and share with you the experiences of the golf course and 'more.'

Speaking of the gym (I'd give them a plug - but given their lack of response to complaints about broken equipment, dirty conditions, cold showers - they don't deserve it) - a different venture that I will be embarking on is a realty TV show - - it's gotten to the point that I have to line up at 4:40 am (gym opens at 5 am on week-days) in order to get on the only elliptical that really makes me 'sweat.' Unfortunately, there are only 4 machines (when all are operational) and 7 of us 'diehards.' Like Survivor - people employed different tactics -- I was 'late to the party' because I would first go to the locker room, grab a towel and then go to the machine. The more conniving would bring a towel from home and 'reserve' the machine and then go to the locker room. I countered by forming an alliance with one of my 'rivals' where we would save each other machines (a towel with headphones is often enough) .... but this is a material for a different blog. Just note that I was up at 4 am and blogging at 5 am because I can't let my body get out of the routine ... and chance not getting on line, before the gym opens on Monday.

So we started thinking of this golf season over the winter and was confronted with a major challenge. One of our foursome (remember - like Gilligan - we have Rich - an investment banker, Barry - an attorney, Dan - the number one fund raiser in the world and me - a social worker) decided to 'pull a Jefferson' and left the group.' READERSHIP PARTICIPATION ENCOURAGED -- who left? and what does it mean to PULL A JEFFERSON?

The three remaining members of the group spent the winter auditioning for the open position. It got ugly - and while it wasn't picked up by the media, we had similar experiences as they had when there was an open curtain call for 'models' this past month in NYC. We didn't have enough security to maintain order and I want to publicly apologize to the people of Sherbrooke Rd who were put out by the people camping out on their lawns, urinating in the streets and generally creating havoc.

A winner did emerge and we are confident "L squared" will be a fine addition. (Since we've given the trades of the other golfers, Les is a diamond importer/exporter and we figured that one day one of our kids may actually need his services.)

The winter was a tumultuous time -- not only did we have to replace the fourth member of our band (WHO DID RINGO REPLACE? (and proved that the original Beatle was NOT the Best man for the job) we had a major controversy on how many nights we had to sleep out in the Parking Lot of Saxon Woods golf course to insure our getting the tee time that we wanted. I gave into the intense pressure of the other members of the group and the plan was not to get to the lot until Thursday after work, sleep out two nights and sign up on Saturday. Having trained as an Eagle Scout (not really), but being by nature somewhat Anal (ok, very compulsive), I drove by Thursday at noon and STAYED. There were already 10 cars in line and we had decided we needed to be in the top 11. Thankfully, my job is such that as long as I can answer e-mails (and my boss finally gave into my whining and gave me a blackberry), I am not missed. What was really annoying was after sitting in the car for an unanticipated 5 hours (meaning I wasn't prepared with food, warm clothes (this was in February) or performance reviews to complete), three of the golf course maintenance crew came out and with a big smirk - moved their cars from the line - moving us from the 11th position to the 8th position. It is a cruel world and while people like that who take comfort in making other people 'suffer' are not quite in the same league as BM (ANOTHER AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION - who is the most hated man on the planet), they should be tied to a flag post and have people try to hit them with a golf ball. (people much more adept at golf than we are). A special shout out to Michael - who flew up from New Orleans to take his dad's overnight shift. It was a perfect combination of a college kid needing extra dollars and an unexpected opportunity. We did get the golf time we wanted - and because some members of our group are 'getting older and more crotchety' - we decided that we couldn't get a tee time earlier than 7:00 am on a Sunday (requiring us to get to the course by 6:30 am). Our tee time is a more comfortable 7:10 am.

The official golf season doesn't start until April 13th -- but that didn't prevent Rich and me from playing this past Saturday. Why buy a bucket of balls and go to the driving range when you can spend 5 hours on the course ..... is my philosophy. I believe practice is over rated and my game shows it ... I hit as many bad shots at the range as I do on the course.

When we arrived at the clubhouse we had a pleasant surprise. One of Rich's buddies had retired and was now the STARTER. This is a position of power since the starter decides who goes out and when. (there is technically a sign up - but often is not adhered too - at the whim of the Starter.) We got there 30 minutes before our Tee time and he said to Rich -- I'll get you guys out right away - and we went -- without a warm up swing, a practice putt or a chance to go to the bathroom. AND THEN THE FIRST SURPRISE OF THE NEW SEASON.

The starter told us that they changed things around to see if they could speed up the round and the 10 hole was now the first hole. THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR A PERSON OF ROUTINE AND DISCIPLINE. I spent the winter fantasizing about which club I would use off the first hole and now I was thrown - had to start on the 10th hole ... which is a completely different 'challenge' - wide open fairway and no dog leg to the right with a grove of menacing trees that my loyal readers will remember from last year's blogs. WE ENTERED THE WORLD OF OPPOSITES. Where 10 was 1, where good is bad, down is up ... and where the mind/body connection plays tricks on you. When we reached the 18th hole (really the 9th hole) - we felt exhausted, and ready to hit the bar for our traditional reward of a tall cold one and a stogie. But no - we had another nine to go - the front nine. I must say that this didn't affect Rich in the same way it did me -- and his game improved dramatically, including a par on the infamous 3rd hole (which is now the 15th hole....think you are having a hard time following this -- I was a complete basket case ... almost non-functional having this major change without warning. Being the entrepreneur that I am ... I am starting a support group for Saxon Wood Golfers who also are completely discombobulated by this change. (Just respond to this blog and I'll forward you the date/time and place of our first meeting).

Rich and I were paired with a lovely couple -- and once again any generalizations of 'having to play with a woman' proved to be completely wrong as she was the best of all of us -- hitting the ball consistently straight. I marveled at her husband who was significantly worse than his wife until Rich pointed out that he didn't speak a word to her for the 5 hours it took us to play the course. One oddity was they each had 'gold woods' - literally, woods whose heads were gold. (couldn't stop singing that song from the James Bond thriller -- READERSHIP NAME THAT TUNE).

On the 15th hole - (last year's course) which was what number hole this season (READERSHIP REPLY REQUESTED - this is for you math wizzes) I was faced with a dilemma. I was playing with a nike ball -- and under the swish in very small letters was the word "lady." I as using a lady's ball -- I had been playing fairly well - but it was with a Lady's ball. (Can one of my researchers please let us know what is the difference between a lady's ball and all other balls?) I raised this with my partner, who immediately mocked me and intimidated me into switching balls. As you can imagine - my golf game deteriorated and I learned a valuable lesson. I need to respect the ball for what it is -- not feel embarrassed to be seen playing with a Lady's ball -- after all as everyone knows - I am a man who is certainly in touch with his Feminine side. I am an ally and I fight sexism and other 'isms' ... and I am making a stand ... If I want to play with a Lady's Ball - then I AM GOING TO! (perhaps another support group in the making).

and so went our first round -- enough good shots to keep us dreaming and plenty of bad shots to keep us real. The pleasure of spending time with my buddies and looking forward to another 25 rounds of golf (my commitment is to not have my season cut short because I want to star in another hospital drama) means that BKGOLF and MORE is back for another season.

A special shout out to Franklin who moved to the left coast and has already successfully landed a movie and a tv pilot deal ... this is material for the next Seinfeld ... can you set me up with one of your contacts. (also to my English teacher on Biway -- I learned to use spell check ... just to make you proud).

Until next time ... may your drives be long and your putts be short.

CHIP